anything goes with emma chamberlain

don’t text your ex, do this instead

November 16, 2025

Key Takeaways Copied to clipboard!

  • The most challenging part of a breakup is the subsequent weeks and months filled with unbearable heartbreak and the urge to text the ex, which should be avoided as it prolongs the healing process. 
  • Reaching out to an ex is only appropriate when it stems from a place of security and calmness, not desperation or emotional chaos following the breakup. 
  • When the agonizing craving to text an ex strikes, the key is to pivot energy toward specific, engaging distractions or actively address negative feelings to help time pass and move toward recovery. 

Segments

Breakup Pain vs. Conversation
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(00:00:00)
  • Key Takeaway: The weeks and months following a breakup, characterized by unbearable heartbreak and yearning, are significantly more challenging than the breakup conversation itself.
  • Summary: The initial breakup conversation, though painful, still involves contact with the partner. The true difficulty arises in the subsequent period when the reality of separation sets in, leading to intense, almost chaotic urges to reconnect via text.
When Contact is Appropriate
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(00:01:59)
  • Key Takeaway: Appropriate contact with an ex requires sufficient time to have passed, a comfortable feeling about the breakup, and must originate from curiosity or good terms, not desperation or agony.
  • Summary: Situations like seeing something that reminds you of an ex while on good terms might warrant a brief, non-desperate message. Reconnecting to try things again years later, driven by curiosity rather than urgency, can also be appropriate.
Breakups as Wounds Metaphor
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(00:03:58)
  • Key Takeaway: Texting an ex during intense emotional turmoil is equivalent to digging into a healing wound, actively prolonging the recovery process.
  • Summary: A breakup is likened to a physical wound requiring cleaning, ointment, and bandaging to heal. Reaching out reopens this wound, and actions like going over to their house or having sex are described as pouring salt in it, guaranteeing infection and delayed healing.
Alternative Actions for Spirals
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(00:08:23)
  • Key Takeaway: Effective alternatives to texting an ex are actions that may not feel immediately good but help ride through the intense craving until the feeling passes.
  • Summary: When feeling an agonizing craving to contact an ex, one must pivot energy toward distraction or active emotional addressing. This episode is intended as a bookmarkable resource for these specific moments of weakness.
Connecting with Others
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(00:13:30)
  • Key Takeaway: Contacting friends or family helps release pent-up negative emotions, similar to taking the lid off a pot of boiling water, preventing internal pressure buildup.
  • Summary: Reaching out to someone else, even if it doesn’t perfectly satisfy the craving for the ex, allows for talking through feelings, which helps emotions evaporate rather than intensify internally. Human connection, even on a surface level, provides therapeutic distraction.
Journaling Prompts for Clarity
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(00:16:44)
  • Key Takeaway: Journaling by listing breakup reasons or future goals serves as a crucial reality check against nostalgia and helps redirect focus toward personal opportunity.
  • Summary: Reading a list of breakup reasons prevents looking back at the past relationship too romantically, which is most dangerous during moments of desperation. Creating a list of goals as a single person emphasizes the freedom and opportunity available now.
Removing Physical Reminders
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(00:24:39)
  • Key Takeaway: Removing physical and digital reminders of an ex from one’s immediate environment prevents unnecessary triggers that can lead to nostalgic spirals and the urge to text.
  • Summary: Photos, memorabilia, or even subtle items like a specific candle can trigger memories, leading to a spiral where one wants to text the ex. Muting the ex on social media, deleting text chains, and changing phone wallpaper are essential digital cleansing steps.
Structuring Time Intentionally
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(00:28:03)
  • Key Takeaway: Scheduling downtime intentionally via a physical planner combats the dangerous unintentional downtime that often leads to spiraling and texting an ex.
  • Summary: Buying a physical planner and scheduling activities romanticizes taking control of one’s time, keeping the individual busy and structured. This focus on intentional downtime prevents the passive scrolling and depression associated with unstructured free time.
Creative and Physical Outlets
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(00:32:06)
  • Key Takeaway: Creating art representing current feelings or engaging in social exercise provides tangible release for intense emotions and offers a healthy distraction.
  • Summary: Creating a piece of art that visualizes agony makes overwhelming feelings tangible, offering a sense of relief. Joining a group activity like a workout class combines the benefit of endorphin release with the comfort of being around people, making motivation easier.
Breaking Monotonous Routine
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(00:47:48)
  • Key Takeaway: Breaking established daily routines by choosing different routes or new locations forces presence in the moment, which grounds perspective and reduces time available for spiraling thoughts.
  • Summary: Monotonous routines allow the mind too much space to dwell on the breakup and text the ex. Visiting a new grocery store or coffee shop requires active focus on navigation, pulling attention back to the present reality.
Self-Care Appointments and Tasks
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(00:50:09)
  • Key Takeaway: Booking self-care appointments provides something positive to look forward to, while completing overdue organizational tasks offers immediate satisfaction and calm.
  • Summary: The act of scheduling a massage or manicure releases happy chemicals and gives a future distraction. Accomplishing a long-avoided chore, like organizing a closet or cleaning the bathtub, provides a guaranteed feeling of accomplishment and relaxation afterward.