Life Kit

Frustrated by a relationship? Questions to ask yourself to move forward

October 21, 2025

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  • When assessing a bothersome relationship behavior, first clarify if it is negatively impacting you (hurtful/harmful) or if it is merely something you dislike, potentially stemming from external influences. 
  • If behavior is harmful, determine if the person is willing to take action or change, recognizing that willingness can involve finding collaborative solutions rather than immediate, perfect adherence to your demands. 
  • The decision to stay or go hinges on whether the relationship violates core values (like physical/psychological safety) or if leaving itself would violate established obligations based on history and interdependence. 

Segments

Introduction to Relationship Questions
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(00:00:12)
  • Key Takeaway: Cultural knee-jerk reactions often favor cutting ties immediately, but many relationship issues exist in shades of gray requiring deeper questioning.
  • Summary: Life is messy, and relationships often involve shades of gray rather than clear-cut malicious intent. Therapist KC Davis offers a list of questions to help individuals parse out what bothers them about a person’s behavior. These questions aim to clarify if change is possible and what solutions might look like, ultimately helping one decide whether to stay or go.
First Question: Objectionable Behavior
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(00:03:51)
  • Key Takeaway: The initial step is determining if behavior is objectionable because it negatively impacts you (causing distress/hurt) or if it conflicts with external expectations.
  • Summary: The first question to ask is why a person’s behavior is objectionable. This helps distinguish between behavior that is actively causing negative impact or distress, such as a roommate not cleaning, versus behavior that might only bother you due to external influences like religious upbringing or family opinion.
Second Question: Willingness to Change
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(00:05:01)
  • Key Takeaway: If behavior is harmful, assess the person’s willingness to take action to mitigate that harm, even if they cannot change core issues overnight.
  • Summary: If behavior is causing harm, the next step is assessing willingness to change or mitigate hurt. Willingness is demonstrated by acknowledging the impact and offering concrete steps, such as agreeing to a specific compromise, rather than being dismissive or refusing to consider solutions. If willingness is absent, disengagement may be permissible.
Third Question: Violating Core Values
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(00:08:27)
  • Key Takeaway: Universal core values often include the physical and psychological safety of oneself and minor children, and violating these warrants disengagement.
  • Summary: Staying in a relationship must not violate one’s fundamental values, which commonly include physical safety and protection from torment or harassment. Personal values, such as maintaining sobriety, must also be considered in this evaluation. If staying violates these core responsibilities, permission to disengage should be granted.
Fourth Question: Desire to Stay
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(00:11:02)
  • Key Takeaway: If values are not violated, the decision rests on the simple question of whether you genuinely want to remain in the relationship.
  • Summary: If staying does not violate your values, you must then ask if you want to stay. If the answer is yes, permission is given to stay with boundaries; if the answer is no, the final question regarding leaving must be addressed.
Fifth Question: Leaving Violates Values
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(00:11:24)
  • Key Takeaway: Leaving may violate values depending on the relationship’s interdependence, history, and the severity of the harm being escaped.
  • Summary: The final question considers if leaving violates values, which is highly dependent on the specific relationship context. Factors like the length of acquaintance, interdependence (mutual support history), and the severity of the harm dictate the level of obligation felt when considering separation, distinguishing a third date from a long-term marriage.
Options: Disengage or Engage with Boundaries
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(00:15:03)
  • Key Takeaway: The process concludes with two options: permission to step back/disengage in various ways, or permission to stay while actively engaging with self-protective boundaries.
  • Summary: Disengagement does not always mean complete severance; it can involve trial separations, changing the nature of the relationship (e.g., platonic co-parenting), or quietly creating distance. Engaging with boundaries often means implementing internal shifts or external supports, like hiring help or scheduling personal time, without necessarily requiring the other person’s approval.
Recap of Guiding Questions
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(00:20:41)
  • Key Takeaway: The six core questions guide the listener toward giving themselves permission to either stay with boundaries or step back/disengage.
  • Summary: The six questions are: Why is this behavior objectionable? Is the person willing to work toward collaborative solutions? Do they have the capacity to learn necessary skills? Does staying violate my values? Do I want to stay? Does leaving violate my values? Following this process allows one to make a decision without moralizing shame.