Life Kit

How to repair after a fight with your partner

November 6, 2025

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  • Repair is the single most important ingredient for developing healthy, long-term, secure-functioning relationships, involving a five-step process outlined by couples counselor Baya Voce. 
  • The first step in relationship repair is "Do Nothing"—actively regulating yourself until you are calm enough (a 5 out of 10 or less) to see your partner's perspective. 
  • Effective repair requires taking turns to share individual subjective experiences one at a time, treating the listening partner as being at a 'customer service window' who must practice deep curiosity (attunement) without needing to agree. 

Segments

Defining Relationship Repair
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(00:00:10)
  • Key Takeaway: Repair is the single most important ingredient for developing healthy, long-term, secure-functioning relationships.
  • Summary: Rupture and conflict are inevitable in romantic relationships, but the focus should shift to the repair process that follows. Repair is defined as mending a tear after conflict in a way that supports the hurt party and brings the couple back together. What constitutes effective repair varies greatly, potentially requiring physical touch, owning a piece of what happened, or seeing behavior change.
Step One: Do Nothing
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(00:04:20)
  • Key Takeaway: The first step in repair is ‘Do Nothing’ with your partner until you are regulated enough to see another’s perspective.
  • Summary: When noticing you are outside your window of tolerance (e.g., heart racing, making your partner an enemy), the cue is to ‘Do Nothing’ with your partner. This active process involves self-regulation through activities like calling a friend, walking, or taking a bath. Connection should not resume until you are level-headed enough to have a constructive conversation, ideally at a 5 out of 10 on the emotional intensity scale.
Step Two: One Person at a Time
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(00:06:38)
  • Key Takeaway: The second, most missed step is ensuring only one person speaks their perspective at a time to facilitate actual listening.
  • Summary: Attempting to repair when both people try to get their perspective heard simultaneously results in no one truly listening. The hurt partner should go first, acting as the customer service window for their experience. The listening partner must focus solely on hearing the speaker’s perspective without interjecting their own counterpoints or defenses.
Step Three: Share Responsibly
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(00:08:16)
  • Key Takeaway: When sharing your side, use ‘I language’ and soft startup statements to describe feelings rather than delivering judgment or criticism.
  • Summary: Sharing responsibly means letting your partner know how their behavior made you feel, not just criticizing them; this is enlightened self-interest. There is no space for objective reality in relationships, only two subjective experiences, so fighting for the ’truth’ is a losing battle. Owning your language makes it easier for your partner to engage in the subsequent listening steps.
Step Four and Five: Listening Deeply
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(00:11:03)
  • Key Takeaway: Deep listening requires temporarily setting aside your own perspective to practice genuine curiosity, which is attunement, not agreement.
  • Summary: When listening, put your perspective aside as if wearing it as clothes, allowing you to be an anthropologist studying your partner’s experience. Attunement is not agreement; it involves practicing genuine curiosity to understand your partner’s hurt without taking full responsibility for their experience. Helpful questions start with, ‘Can you tell me more about why it hurt you?’
When Repair Fails
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(00:14:41)
  • Key Takeaway: Repair fails when the listening partner collapses into agreement or grandiosity, indicating a need for external support.
  • Summary: Signs of failed repair include the listening partner collapsing into agreement to keep the peace, or conversely, responding with grandiosity and blame outward. If the hurt partner does everything right but the partner still responds defensively, it is time to seek outside support, as deeper wounds may require more than a simple five-step process.
Identifying Personal Work
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(00:17:13)
  • Key Takeaway: If your partner is doing 70% of the heavy lifting in repair and you still cannot come back, the remaining unsettled feeling is your personal work to address.
  • Summary: If a partner is actively attuning and regulating themselves, but you remain unsettled, it signifies a piece within you that needs to be met by yourself. The only person who can meet that specific need is you, as your partner cannot fulfill all relational needs. Repair is complete when you feel a softening, validation, and your nervous system calms enough to want connection again.
Recap and Practice
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(00:20:29)
  • Key Takeaway: Relational fitness requires practicing the five repair steps repeatedly, as they are not a one-time fix.
  • Summary: The five steps to repair are: 1. Do nothing until regulated; 2. Share one perspective at a time; 3. Use ‘I statements’ when sharing your side; 4. Put your thoughts away when listening; and 5. Practice deep curiosity (attunement). Good relationship repair is a muscle that requires ongoing practice to become part of everyday existence.