On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)

November 22, 2025

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  • Icks should ideally transition from being a turn-off to something endearing over time, but persistent icks might signal a need for personal work or a fundamental incompatibility. 
  • People often use 'icks' as a scapegoat or an easy reason to justify ending attraction or avoiding real vulnerability when they are simply not into someone. 
  • There is a crucial difference between a silly 'ick' (like backpack bouncing) and a fundamental issue (like poor communication or lack of accountability), and listeners should avoid overvaluing icks while excusing serious relationship fundamentals. 

Segments

Defining and Experiencing Icks
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(00:02:52)
  • Key Takeaway: The term ‘ick’ defines a sudden turn-off that instantly kills attraction, often being irrational and varying individually.
  • Summary: The concept of an ‘ick’ is defined as a sudden, often irrational turn-off that instantly kills attraction. Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlukia note that this terminology is relatively new, though the feeling has always existed. They establish that an ick does not necessarily mean a lack of love for a partner, but rather a specific behavior one wishes the partner would stop doing.
Examples of Funny Icks
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(00:04:46)
  • Key Takeaway: Many commonly cited icks are highly specific visual or behavioral quirks, such as using a car indicator or running with a backpack on.
  • Summary: The hosts share several humorous examples of icks gathered from friends, including a husband using an indicator seeming unmasculine and a cousin being put off when her husband cries. Other funny examples included running after a blown-away receipt and men wearing no-show socks.
Icks vs. Serious Issues
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(00:08:29)
  • Key Takeaway: Icks should generally be taken with a pinch of salt, but if they are too numerous or relate to fundamental behaviors, they warrant serious attention.
  • Summary: Jay and Radhi suggest that icks should evolve into something endearing rather than being deal-breakers, unless they are too frequent. They advise that behaviors like not wanting a partner to cry might require therapy, whereas minor fashion choices should be given leeway. The core question is whether one can live with the quirk if the person is otherwise valued.
Icks as Excuses for Insecurity
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(00:15:02)
  • Key Takeaway: Icks are frequently used as a convenient scapegoat to justify ending attraction or avoiding commitment when the real issue is a lack of genuine interest.
  • Summary: The conversation suggests that people often use icks to mask the fact that they are simply not attracted to someone or do not want to be with them. This is contrasted with men, who, according to one source, are less likely to let an ick stop them from dating someone they like.
Top Icks for Women About Men
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(00:16:14)
  • Key Takeaway: For women, the top icks about men heavily feature poor personal hygiene, arrogance/cockiness, and immaturity/childish behavior.
  • Summary: Lack of hygiene (dirty nails, bad breath) is the number one ick for women regarding men. Arrogance is often perceived as insecurity masked as superiority, contrasting sharply with quiet confidence. Immaturity, such as excessive video gaming or emotional unavailability, is also a major turn-off.
Confidence Versus Arrogance
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(00:16:54)
  • Key Takeaway: Confidence is quiet self-support, whereas arrogance is superiority demonstrated by trying to prove one is better than others.
  • Summary: Arrogance is defined by the need to prove superiority or put others down, often stemming from insecurity. Confidence, conversely, is a quiet energy that supports the self without needing to diminish others. This difference is evident in conversation style and behavior towards others.
Icks and Behavioral Influence
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(00:26:28)
  • Key Takeaway: Intense attraction, especially in toxic dynamics, can physiologically alter perception, making previously disgusting traits (like smoking) seem attractive.
  • Summary: When deeply obsessed with someone, the body’s chemistry can change to find traits normally considered unattractive or grotesque appealing. This ‘shallow hell effect’ explains why people overlook fundamental flaws in partners they are highly attracted to. This highlights the importance of choosing partners whose habits align with one’s own values, as influence is inevitable.
Top Icks for Men About Women
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(00:28:37)
  • Key Takeaway: Men’s top icks often involve overly superficial behavior, playing mind games, and entitlement/materialism.
  • Summary: Superficiality, including obsession with social media and name-dropping, ranks highly as an ick for men. Playing mind games, being vague, or using passive-aggressive tactics are flagged as fundamental issues rather than simple icks. Entitlement and constant negativity are also significant turn-offs.
Fundamentals vs. Icks Amplification
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(00:25:11)
  • Key Takeaway: People tend to overvalue minor icks (like fashion choices) while simultaneously making excuses for serious relationship fundamentals (like poor communication).
  • Summary: The conversation points out a cognitive bias where minor visual quirks are amplified as deal-breakers, while core relationship issues like being ghosted or receiving vague replies are excused as the person being ‘busy.’ This tendency to justify bad behavior when attracted must be recognized.